I have been doing some thinking the past few days. PTSD sucks we can
all agree upon that. But one side effect I never thought about sucks
more than all the rest combined if you ask me. It hurts deep down
deeper than the bones. I cry every time I think about it, it hurts
Not sure how many of you know but I am a daddy for the first time. My
first child was born Aug 11, 2014. To see her it lights up my world.
It is funny how something so small can just change your outlook on
life and the way you see things. But at the same time make you so
scared, scared like you have never been before.
I am scared to death to be home alone with her. I am scared to death
to hold her. Not because she is small and delicate and I don’t want to
hurt her. Or any of the other common reasons why people get nervous or
scared to hold a new born, I wish it was one of those reasons.
No, I am so scared to hold or be left alone with her because I am
afraid I will have a flash back or a nightmare while I am alone with
her. What happens then? No one is around to help her when she needs
it. No one is there to cover for me while I go through the hell of a
flash back. No one is there for her needs. No one is near to hear her
cry to answer it.
How can I be there for her when I am not there for myself? When I have
a flash back I am no use to myself let alone a helpless innocent
child. This hurts me in so many ways. I wish there was something I
could do to overcome this fear.
It not only affects my ability to hold my precious child. But it puts
even more strain on my wife. Because of this she is stuck looking
after the baby. She does not get time away and to herself because of
this. It is harder on her because she cannot go out and have her time
away to gather her thoughts and her ME time.
This is very unfair to her. I am so lucky to have the wife I do. She
is a strong trooper and powers through it all. She takes it all in
stride with no complaints or worries. I wish I could do more to help
her and allow her time to herself. It is just so hard to get past my
worries and fears.
She is amazing. I would not know what to do if I never found my wife.
I would not know how to face life without her. She is my saving grace.
Yet I cannot support her in this tough time because of my PTSD. I
never thought about something like this happening. I wish there was
some way to help her. I wish I could hold my daughter more. This hurts
so much, I wish there was a way around all this. I would love to hold
my daughter all day long, without the fear of flash backs.
PTSD is so crippling to me in this aspect. I can deal with most things
that come along with PTSD I can handle the nightmares, the little
sleep, the flashbacks and everything else. I just don’t know how to
handle something like this.
Well it has been a few days since I set a challenge for you all. To
make a video of how you support the veterans either by how you donate
your time to your local veterans organization or how you want to call
out to Washington to support the veterans more. I don’t want this to
be a political thing and bashing one party or another. I just want you
to show your support for the veterans and troops.
I have not seen one video by anyone doing this yet. It makes me wonder
if you all are all talk and no action. Yeah I said it! PROVE it to me
that I am wrong. You might call me an ass or whatever I really don’t
care. You might say you don’t need to prove jack to anyone. That is
fine by me, so be it. You can hide and say you do a lot, but the proof
of it is in your heart. Show everyone and call your friends out to do
The time you spend arguing with someone about a political belief you
could spend that time doing something, helping a veteran out.
Never give up!
Keep fighting PTSD!
Never give in!
You are strong!
Together we can help veterans!
Together we are strong and tell the world we support our Veterans.
Twitter= avetwithptsd or avetwithptsd1
The link above is to the video my daughter “made” subscribe to the channel.
There are videos on the blog on how to upload videos and such. I am
not sure how to create a link to it. I will get my wonderful friend
that helps me out greatly with the blog and all the artwork and
computer stuff to help me out @bonfiremedia